The Hitchiker's Guide to Western Europe

Britain: When traveling in Britain be careful if you're using public transport. Always stay in the same seat. Changing seats in Britain is viewed as evidence of criminal intent. Always check to see what is permitted in France, Germany, Austria etc, before opening your mouth to speak in Britain. British authorities don't know what's going on in their own country. They're unsure of their own laws and will throw you straight into prison, then try to come up with a reason for it afterwards; all the while jabbering on endlessly about whether you've committed a crime or not. A sure fire way out of any strife is to apologise to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected.

France: While traveling through France always remember to keep your mouth shut about certain aspects of history. Permitted words do include: "chambers... gas... in... Jews... million... six... killed... Hitler... proof... no... there's..." But be very careful how you put them together as the French are a pretty excitable folk. Make sure your algebra is up to date: 6,000,000 - 1 = 5 years in prison. A sure fire way out of any strife is to apologise to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected.

Holland, Denmark and Belgium: The best way to travel through these countries is on your tip toes. Keep your head on a swivel and speak only in whispers. Always have someone watching your back. Do not drink at all as you might inadvertantly blurt something you'll regret for the next five years. A sure fire way out of any strife is to apologise to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected.

Austria: See Germany.

Germany: The best way to travel through Germany is at 500 miles an hour and 35,000 feet of altitude - with a paper bag over your head and your lips sewn shut. If you must touch German soil, get in and out as fast as you can. Do NOT think! Thinking is a crime in Germany... it always has been. Don't allow people to see any facial expressions which might tip them off that you are thinking. Never use terms like: "mmm... errr... or ahhh". They're dead givaways you're thinking and you will be closely followed. The German authorities don't like thinkers at all and will throw them into prison immediately. Do not use words like, "truth... integrity... facts... justice...", at your thoughtcrimes trial as this will upset them even more. Words like those are not permitted in Germany - especially in court. If you do find yourself in trouble, the statement,"Hitler [gassed... electrocuted... boiled... roasted... steamed... basted... made soap outta... lampshaded... atom bombed... raped...] six million Jews", has been known to impress judges and shorten prison sentences. But ya' gotta be able to say it with a straight face. Good luck with that! A sure fire way out of any strife is to apologise to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected....