The Twelve Stages of a Holocaust Tale

1. The survivor is put in a cattle car filled with hundreds of Jews, but only one poop bucket, and sent to a camp, usually Auschwitz. Many Jews die of suffocation along the way but none from thirst since Jews can go many days without water.

2. The survivor stands in a line, to be chosen either for the gas chamber or the kitchen/orchestra/workshop. Close family members are always put in the gas line. And even though all those under 14 are immediately gassed at Auschwitz, for some reason the survivor is put in the work line.

3. The survivor then comes face to face with "Dr. Death" - Joseph Mengele himself - who decides to spare their life because Mengele has never seen: a dancing Jew... a singing Jew... a Jew with no pimples... or a Jew willing to do manual labor.

4. The survivor lives on a meager ration of 300 calories per day, including turnip heads... potato skins... grass soup... cat/rat/mice/dog meat... sawdust... urine... poop....

5. However they are still strong enough to work for the Germans as carpenters, electricians, plumbers, rocket scientists, lumberjacks, etc.

6. The survivor has some gold, diamonds or other jewelry which they swallow,  and re-swallow in a perpetual cycle; and which they use to bribe the guards for favors, or to pay for a visit to the camp brothel - where they fall in love.

7. They are taken to the gas chamber, but miraculously escape at the last minute, unbeknownst to the guards. All their friends are killed. They witness many other horrible sights: babies brain's bashed out by SS brain bashing machines, bears and eagles fighting over Jewish bones, Jewish zombies pulling people back into the burial pits, human flesh cooked and fed to the Jews by SS guards, geysers of Jewish blood erupting out of the ground, guard dogs with poison fangs, Jews with their legs reversed in twisted medical experiments, buckets of guts jumping around on the crematorium floor, people burned alive in the ovens when the gas chambers were too busy....

8. The survivor is then forced to take part in a "death march" which doesn't actually lead to their death. Often they just run off.

9. The survivor is recaptured, then transferred to another camp, where they miraculously cheat death again... and again... and again... and again.... This may be repeated any number of times.

10. The survivor finally escapes for good - right under the guard's noses - by hiding in a latrine. They run into the forest where they are taken in by Jewish partisans or anti-Nazi wolves.  When the war ends they are rescued by Allied soldiers and weigh only 40-50 pounds. Afterwards, they learn they are the only member of their extended family of 1267 people to survive: and though they have no friends, family, connections or money, they immigrate to America... Canada... Israel.... There, though haunted by their memories and unable to sleep at night due to bad dreams, they prosper and  buy a multinational corporation.

11. For 50-60 years the survivor says nothing about their experience. Then, suddenly, they can talk of nothing else! They write a memoir called something like, "Dancing to the Music of my Dreams - A Survivor's Story"and hit the talk show circuit.

12. The survivor has now found peace, and spends the rest of his/her life telling their incredible story to schoolchildren. But only the youngest ones, of course....


Citizenfitz