The Hitchiker's Guide to Western Europe

"Britain:

While travelling in Britain be careful when using public transportation. Always stay in the same seat! Changing seats in Britain is viewed as evidence of a crime. Check to see what speech is permitted in France, Germany, Austria et al, before opening your mouth in Britain. British authorities don't know what's going on in their own country! They don't know their own laws. They'll throw you in prison all the while jabbering endlessly about whether you have committed a crime or not. A sure fire way out of any strife is to apologize to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected.

France:

While travelling through France always remember to keep your mouth shut about certain aspects of history. Permitted words do include, "there's... no... proof... Hitler... killed... six... million... Jews...." But be very careful how you string them together. The French are pretty excitable folks! Make sure your math is good: 6,000,000 - 1 = three to five years. A sure fire way out of trouble is to apologize to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected.

BeNeLux:

The best way to travel through these countries is on tip toes with your head on a swivel. Speak in whispers - even with close friends in their homes. Always have someone watching your back. You may feel as if you're being watched. You are, so don't do anything that will give the police the notion that you're questioning history. A proven way for getting out of trouble is to apologize to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected.

Austria:

See Germany below.

Germany:

The best way to travel through Germany is at 500 miles an hour, at 35,000 feet, with a paper bag over your head and your lips sewed shut. Get in and get out as fast as you can. DO NOT THINK! Thinking is a felony in Germany. Don't let anyone see facial expressions that hint you are thinking. Don't use terms like hmmm... uhhh... or, ahhhh... or you will be followed. German authorities don't like thinkers and always throw them, along with their lawyers, into the closest clink. Do not use words like "truth", "integrity" and "justice" at your thought crime trial as this will only anger them even more. If you do find yourself in a pickle, just say: "Hitler gassed... electrocuted... made soap outta... barbecued... lampshaded... boiled in oil... raped... nuked... six million Jews". This always sways judges and shortens prison sentences. But ya' gotta' be able to say it with a straight face. Good luck with that!

A sure fire way outta any strife is to apologize to the local Jewish community. A donation will be expected."

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